Humorous Quotes Quotes

If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be?

~ Douglas Carter Beane

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

~ Demetri Martin

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month leave I wonder if he will be Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Look out Below! Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Forgiveness Steroids for the Soul.

~ Matthew Heines

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

~ Mark Jackman

Pissing out the window, and sh*tting out the window, are two different things!

~ Tourettes Guy

Why are you worrying about you-know-who?You should be worrying about u-no-poo!The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

~ J.k. Rowling

Walking the Camino de Santiago taught me the wonders of physical challenge, the wonders of spiritual freedom, and the wonders of baby powder.

~ Christy Hall

If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!

~ Christy Hall

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

~ Chocolate Waters

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?

~ Esther Spurrill Jones

Society teaches us that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The bill of rights informs us that we have the right to keep it to ourselves.

~ Brian Randleas

The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense.

~ Bryan Way

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. Are you sure you need all this stuff?Yep.The ax?The ax is critical.The c

~ Ursula Vernon

I've been coerced into free will.

~ Brian Spellman

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.”“Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.”“That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!”He shook his head. “Nobody.

~ Rebecca Brooks

You saw what I saw, right? Adrienne doing something nice for Xarissa of her own free will. I think I did, said G.ALunette stared into the unknown. This has to be a sign of the coming apocalypse We are all going to die.

~ Emily Kirby

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

~ Alan Kinross

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around.

~ Scott B. Pruden

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

~ Scott B. Pruden

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

~ Scott B. Pruden

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I’d found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he’d probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly.

~ Ash Gray

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

~ Douglas Adams

Time may be defined as dimension governed by activity. Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time.

~ Moutasem Algharati

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

~ Nuno Roque

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight.

~ Zack W. Van

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

~ Spuds Crawford

If someone lied to you, and you positively know this is true, you may find delight in telling them they are the most honest person you know; continue flattering them, giving them the most wonderful compliments, including how you're so thankful to have such an honest person in such a deceptive world. But, then again, this may very well make you a liar too.

~ K.r. Royal

My parents had drinks and there were crudités for us- although they were not called crudités at the time, they were called carrots and celery.

~ Nora Ephron

Only few moments of love has greater value than entire life

~ Nitin Yaduvanshi

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

~ Quentin R. Bufogle

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

~ Brian Spellman

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

~ Philip Dormer Stanhope

Wisdom of the Ages: Humility If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

~ Matthew Heines