Funny Quotes

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

~ Ryan Lilly

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

~ Ryan Lilly

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

~ Ryan Lilly

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

~ Jakub Marian

Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:1. To kiss2. To sip coffeeToo bad both are a luxury.

~ Saleem Sharma

Who would have ever thought going to a library would be so scary?

~ Brandy Nacole

You know that passage in the Bible that says, “And the meek shall inherit the Earth”? Always wondered if that was mistranslated. Perhaps it actually says, “And the geek shall inherit the Earth.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.''Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses.

~ Mindee Arnett

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?

~ K.a. Mitchell

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet? the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

~ John Green

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.

~ Taylor Caldwell

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

~ Josh Stern

Its funny when people recently change their attitude to gain entrance into your heart, which may only ignite your passion to close the door.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Obviously she's the kind of woman who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I prefer to assume bad stuff first, correct it later.

~ Heather Day Gilbert

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

~ Jonathan Friesen

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

~ John Duover

We were not actually famous, I have to add. People were just drunk.

~ John Duover

Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped

~ Alan Sheinwald

We have to stop anyway. I don't want you to regret this later. And I don't want your head to explode.Really? You're so good that my head would explode?It took him a moment. His expression changed from intense to speculative. It's a possibility. I'm not a doctor, but Doolittle says it could happen.That's a lot of expectation to live up to.I exceed expectations.So modest, too.

~ Ilona Andrews

What bug crawled up your ass? I demanded.If you mean, why I am upset? I should think that would be obvious!It took me a second, but I got it. Oh, come on. You're not still pissed about–you did the same damn thing to me!He had the utter gall to look offended. I did nothing of the sort–I stared at him. And just how do you figure that? You stripped me butt naked, diddled me over a desk and stole my duffel bag. And my clothes!Somebody made a choking sound. I glanced up to find the door to the study open, and the old vamp looking scandalized. Diddled? Anthony asked, apparently delighted. Mircea closed his eyes.

~ Karen Chance

You can't make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape.

~ J. Richard Singleton

Fuck, Christina.”“Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that.

~ Nenia Campbell

I got it! I got it!” Heeb declared triumphantly. Evan stopped in the middle of his kitchenette to hear Heeb’s idea. “Sex in the Title.”“Yeah, that’s what you’ve been saying I need.”“No, that’s the title: ‘Sex in the Title.’”“You want me to call my novel ‘Sex in the Title?’”“Yeah. Isn’t it great?

~ Zack Love

There’s a saying, isn’t there, that when you’ve had a near death experience, all you want to do is have sex?

~ Kirsty Greenwood

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.

~ Heather Chapple

Nice guys finish last but that's what makes them good in bed.

~ Nicholas M. Bugden

Sex before love is like a bandage before a wound.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

My only relationship policy is, don’t bring your dirty laundry to work, no sex on company furniture and don’t let it affect your work.

~ Paula Graves

It gets worse. Josh tell her that he loves her. She says it back. He touches her. She touches him back. And then they're losing their virginity on the floor of her bedroom beside her pet rabbit, Isis. A rabbit.Josh literally lost his virginity in front of a metaphor for sex.

~ Stephanie Perkins

I had a dream about you last night. I was writing a ‘Sex for dummies-Christians That Secretly What to be Porn Stars- 1st edition.’ And you helped me with the illustrations.

~ Crystal Woods

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

~ George R.r. Martin

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Seriously, it's like watching mild porn, watching you two eye fuck each other every two seconds.

~ Jessica Sorensen

I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.

~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you'll go blind.

~ Seanan Mcguire

I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him yourself.”She sat up enough to look him in the eye. “I am not talking toyour…your…”“Mighty throbbing manhood?”“Briec.”“That which brings you much delirious pleasure?”“Briec.”“That which makes you whole?”“Stop it, dragon. You’re making me physically ill.” ...“Ow!”“Be nice, woman. I’m not used to this.”She rubbed her ass and glared at him. “Do that again and you’lllose that which you believe makes me whole.

~ G.a. Aiken

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

He swallowed, and his voice was a bit rough, but he was You know, I think moving is key to this whole fucking thing.This does t feel good? Gavin kissed under Jamie's ear while rubbing circles around his nipples with a hard palm. What is this, Fucking For Slackers?

~ K.a. Mitchell

You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine!

~ Kensington Gore

He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip. And what about your partner, Mr. Tucker? Troy asked. Chris raised his eyebrows in surprise and Mr. Waters gave him a greasy, unpleasant smile. Does your partner cook?Chris grinned as Matt came all over the red leather seat. Actually, he makes a delicious white sauce.

~ Ally Blue