Humorous Quotes

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.

~ Richard Dawkins

I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

~ Ryan Lilly

I’m a dot in the grand scheme of things. I don’t matter, not even to the other dots.

~ Ash Gray

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Rats! It's rainy outside,And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He has me pinned on my back in record time, his mouth crashing against mine as we frantically devour one another. “Awesome speech,” he murmurs, pushing my sweater up and planting his hot mouth against my equally hot skin. “Very motivational.

~ Siobhan Davis

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

~ Carroll Bryant

People think I am younger then I really am,because I act so immature.

~ James Hauenstein

It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively, that was merely an unintended side effect.

~ Bill Bryson

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

~ Diane Castle

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

~ Haruki Murakami

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

~ Joshua Donellan

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

~ Joshua Donellan

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

~ Winston Groom

It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks.

~ Winston Groom

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We seldom look up to the person, we usually look up to their persona.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most women sell sex, most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Humorous quote from classy quote