Humorous Quotations Quotes

Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.

~ Carroll Bryant

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

~ Addison C. Arthur

Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.

~ Adam Selzer

Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

~ Frank Calvin Mann

Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.

~ Laurie Foxx

Owning a drone does not a pilot make.

~ Alex Morritt

A comedian is better than a politician, at least there is no doubt.

~ Bangambiki Habyarimana

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.

~ Clare Vanderpool

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

Life is a great big canvas, throw all tje paint you can at it.

~ Danny Kaye

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

I doubt you would recognize an adventure of any sort if it came right up and bit you on the a---Mother!I was going to say arm.

~ Victoria Alexander

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

~ Alan Kinross

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.

~ A.a. Milne

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Raising a child is a time of RAPID CHANGE! From the ages of 0 to 19, a PARENT can age over 30 years!

~ Tanya Masse

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

~ Quentin R. Bufogle

Wisdom of the Ages: Humility If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

~ Matthew Heines

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

~ Jen Naumann

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.

~ Ali Mcnamara

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

~ Daniel Marks

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

~ Carroll Bryant

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

~ Jim Moorman

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Two things are infinite, a woman’s patience and her husband’s mistakes.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Women make the world go round, men turn it upside down.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

Humorous Quotations Quotes

Humorous Quotations quote from classy quote