Humour Quotes

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Who are you after?”“The snarky asshole one.”“Could you be a little more specific.”“The one who has a staff and throws their toys out of the pram that one.”“Ooh.”“Yeah.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Yeah no shit, try asking random people about a bird owned by someone you don't know!” Javal countered “Well still you got it!” Javal acknowledged this with a small grin “Now what?” Javal asked Ingra scratched his head “Yeah...Well Dilmore suggested the idea....Not me.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The innocent little girl said at the end of her prayer Jesus, please take care of yourself because if anything happens to you, we are all in trouble

~ Kingsley Opuwari Manuel

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There is nothing harder to explain than humor.

~ Milan Kundera

What does poet laureate mean? Nothing. It means a person with laurel branches twined around his head. Which is not something people do much now.

~ Nicholson Baker

Humor: the divine flash that reveals the world in its moral ambiguity and man in his profound incompetence to judge others; humor: the intoxicating relativity of human things; the strange pleasure that conies of the certainty that there is no certainty.But humor, to recall Octavio Paz, is the great invention of the modern spirit. It has not been with us forever, and it won't be with us forever either.With a heavy heart, I imagine the day when Panurge no longer makes people laugh.

~ Milan Kundera

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Do what is right. Not what you like.

~ Omoruyi Uwuigiaren

Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.

~ S.k. Tremayne

If Porter crawled into bed with me, I wouldn’t flee the scene right away. I probably wouldn’t even kick him out. I might kick him in the gonads and then rub my cheek against his chest because that’s the kind of girl I am. Beat them and then treat them.

~ Meghan Quinn

Funny how you never hear novelists or painters say they work in the 'creative industries', but only squalid little advertising people. How could this be? (.....)If you listen to advertisers, you'd think they're the fucking Oracle and that for a fee they'll slip you the Answer. They are obsessed with being seen as 'creative', but what they do seems rather to be 'parasitical' : pinching cultural innovations and using them to persuade people that they want stuff. So there's a dilemma for us all to think 'creatively' about.

~ Steve Lowe

She looked utterly betrayed, as betrayed as the most betrayed person in Shakespeare.

~ Miranda July

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Just follow my lead,’ I said. ‘It’ll be fun.’‘Please,’ Sam begged, ‘don’t let those words be carved on my tombstone.

~ Rick Riordan

Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

~ Spike Milligan

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, “Does anybody know a good tailor?”, or “Gentlemen – I think there’s a thief in the battery.” He was the bane of the Regiment.

~ Spike Milligan

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

~ Spike Milligan

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Julesa: Are you a fool? Father will have you hung if he realises you've escaped.Never: Everyone dies from something.

~ Ashley Capes

Reacher prowled the hallway, his gun stiff-armed way out in front of him, his torso jerking violently left and right from the hips, like a crazy disco dance. The house-storming shuffle.

~ Lee Child

Good God! I'm out of tobacco.

~ Eugenio Prados

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I do prefer being alive. Most days.

~ Ashley Capes

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

~ Steven Wright