Joke Quotes

Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you - smile, giggle, or laugh.

~ Aniruddha Sastikar

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

~ Aimee Bender

And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he’ll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that.

~ Will Advise

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.

~ George Pólya

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

~ George Grossmith

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them.

~ Criss Jami

I’m relieved to seethat even brilliant physicists make mistakes.”Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?”“Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.”Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

~ Dan Brown

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian... The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat — which wasn't there. ‘That may be,’ said the philosopher, ‘but a theologian would have found it.

~ Julian Huxley

Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies.

~ Cassandra Clare

Dat's a some joke, Hey Boss.

~ Chico Marx

Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.

~ Zakes Mda

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

~ S.a. Tawks

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

~ Randy Kagan

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

~ Jon Stewart

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

~ Oscar Wilde

When we perceive aliens as a joke to be laughed at,they feel so pity for us on the success of their plans.

~ Toba Beta

And what if the other kids laugh at me?” Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. “I have a Cape Breton accent! They’ll know I’m from Canada and they’ll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!”“You’re really overreacting,” Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. “Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn’t snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?”“It’s not just the Canada stuff mom,” Kerry sighed worriedly. “I’m from Dym, it’s an industrial dump!”“Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?” Susan asked. “Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don’t think I’d ever want to leave it.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he can start a fire using the neighbouring palm trees, and calculate the temperature at which a can will explode. The physicist says that she can work out the trajectory of each of the baked beans, so that they can be collected and eaten. The economist says Hang on guys, you're doing it the hard way. Let's assume we have a can opener.

~ Steve Keen

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

~ Elbert Hubbard

I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias Four

~ Veronica Roth

I'm financially ugly.

~ Rea Lidde

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

~ Lemony Snicket

A good joke doesn’t necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one’s own deserving jokes.

~ Pawan Mishra

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

~ Criss Jami

The biggest irony in the history of India is the term, Muslim Personal Law.Law of the land could never be personal.

~ Ketan Waghmare

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

. . . I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out.

~ Robin Brande

Creating a complete picture of a company financial health, by looking at periodic financial statements, is like turning a hamburger into a cow

~ Don Tapscott

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

~ Santosh Kalwar

If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel´s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

I tell the squad a joke: Stop me if you're heard this. There was a Marine of nuts and bolts, half robot--weird but true--whose every move was cut from pain as though from stone. His stoney little hide had been crushed and broken. But he just laughed and said, 'I've been crushed and broken before.' And sure enough, he had the heart of a bear. His heart functioned for weeks after it had been diagnosed by doctors. His heart weighed half a pound. His heart pumped seven hundred thousand gallons of warm blood through one hundred thousand miles of veins, working hard--hard enough in twelve hours to lift one sixty-five ton boxcar one foot off the deck. He said. The world would not waste the heart of a bear, he said. On his clean blue pajamas many medals hung. He was a walking word of history, in the shop for a few repairs. He took it on the chin and was good. One night in Japan his life came out of his body--black--like a question mark. If you can keep your head while others are losing theirs perhaps you have misjudged the situation. Stop me if you've heard this...

~ Gustav Hasford

Even if it’s a really funny joke, don’t laugh if the devil’s the one telling it!

~ Sean Patrick Brennan

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

~ Honeya

It's unpleasantly like being drunk. What's so unpleasant about being drunk? You ask a glass of water.

~ Douglas Adams

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

~ Friedrich Schiller

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

~ Gustave Eiffel

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

~ Marcus Brigstocke

You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.''''I just applied for a job as a tree,'' I said. It made so little sense, he didn't even bother responding.

~ Sean Beaudoin

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

~ M.k. Bhutta

Do you know why they call this place the Rookery? Elodin asked. I shook my head.Because it's where you go if you're a-ravin'. He smiled a wild smile. He laughed a terrible laugh.

~ Patrick Rothfuss