Jokes Quotes

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

~ Groucho Marx

Dark alleys, like social networks, are romantic, because you never know what might happen while I perform there every Caturday night. Cats do know, but won't tell. So don’t even ask.

~ Will Advise

Jasper set an intercepting course towards that Rhylonian Star Duster. Maybe we can catch them on their blind side.”“Doesn’t this ship have a cloak?” Jaq asks.“Miss Synergy, I don’t know what they teach now a’days at the Academy, but ships do not wear clothes.

~ Nathan Reese Maher

A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes aren’t funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

~ Michael Monroe

I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.

~ Marshall Ramsay

I will cut taxes - cut taxes - for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.

~ Barack Obama

Promises are like silly jokes, told around a table when the food is good and no one has anything to lose by telling a lie or two - lies should have been a synonym for the word 'promise' in dictionaries, but only a few people knew it.

~ Cameron Jace

Don't be ridiculous. Brussels sprouts are awful. Jail is just jail.

~ Mora Early

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Jasper!” Casey shouts, startling the young woman. “My cargo is talking to me!

~ Nathan Reese Maher

She points to where he went and looks to the neutral Baumen. “He—he did that to me on purpose! He’s insane. Literally, insane!”The munchkin just shrugs. “Welcome aboard!” and returns unconcerned to his work.

~ Nathan Reese Maher

His joy was a release of Paul's conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of not taking himself or his adversaries too seriously.

~ John Charles Pollock

Tatiana hugged him and said, “And here’s mine: ‘Honey, what do you prefer—my beautiful body or my beautiful face?’” “Your sense of humor,” returned Alexander, holding her to him until she couldn’t breathe.

~ Paullina Simons

Some jokes are stupid and useless, if you can't get it. It's to stupid to go in it, but whatever!- Make your choice!

~ Deyth Banger

I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn’t say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I wrote about how much I trusted God. I wrote that I was praying for him. I wrote down all the jokes I could remember, which weren’t many.

~ Kimberly Novosel

I remember watching an old Dracula movie once with Alphonse and having him laugh himself sick at the sight of a vamp only a few days out of the grave supposedly raising another one.He'd been impossible for weeks afterwards,mercilessly teasing all the weaker vamps in court about the three-day-old baby that was more powerful than them.

~ Karen Chance

Mom, how come you never go outside?I told you, I'm a vampire.

~ Alison Bechdel

Childhood was the germ of all mistrust. You were cruelly joked upon and then you cruelly joked. You lost the remembrance of pain through inflicting it.

~ Graham Greene

And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he’ll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that.

~ Will Advise

Jokes against the legal profession were what the legal profession loved most.

~ Ian Mcewan

To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic caramelish color and common facial features. There won't be blonds or hairy Jews anymore.Words like Chink will cease to have meaning. They will be relics, along with those who use them for comedy. Which is exactly why I am past that meta-racist shit and onto poop and pee. Onward and downward!

~ Sarah Silverman

I’m relieved to seethat even brilliant physicists make mistakes.”Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?”“Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.”Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

~ Dan Brown

You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I know for a fact that I would be awful if I was built like Serena Williams or Jennifer Lopez... If I had a body remotely close to what they have, I would be a terror. My ass would cause me to do really inappropriate and rude things. I'd be so ridiculous that people would be able to pick my labia out of a lineup. I'd wear zero clothes any- and everywhere, every day. I'd show up at church rocking a denim thong and a cropped T-shirt and have the nerve to sit right next to the head usher and dare her to say anything to me. And if anyone did say something to me, I'd tell them, Jesus blessed me in many ways, and I am just showing off His works. HALLELUJAH. People would be disgusted and appalled by me and I wouldn't care. All insults would bounce off my ample backside. To whom much is given, much is required, and I'd require that my much would be given nary an inch of fabric. I'd hire a band whose sole job would be to follow me around and play theme music for my yansh, based on the mood I was in... I might opt to walk backwards into any room I entered, because why not?... I might also declare my booty its own limited liability corporation, assigning myself as CEO and chairman of the Donk. My jeans would be tax-deductible business expenses, and I would add my ass to my LinkedIn profile's Skills section. Everyone would throw hate ration in my dancery, and I wouldn't even see it, protected as I would be by the throne I sat atop.

~ Luvvie Ajayi

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

~ Criss Jami

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

~ M.j. Mcguire

Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.

~ John Green

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

~ Rose Wynters

He said, “If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Why, if you only knew the secrets to which I'm p

~ Brandon Sanderson

You need to understand that some comedy can have consequences.

~ Auliq Ice

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

~ Bob Monkhouse

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

~ Emily Giffin

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks us to seek perfection for our imperfect souls.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Jokes are another example of stupidity... we are so wise and so clever and we do stupid stuff, how wise is that?Jokes on stage of being serious... when you aren't serious what you get is more likely somebody being in state of seriousness.

~ Deyth Banger

I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

~ M.j. Mcguire

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he'd customized it. Painted pink with purple stripes, the younger male could often be found cruising up and down the streets of Wolf Town, with his terrible music blaring out of the windows. The car was a ticking time bomb. Already, more than one werewolf had offered to blow it up. Orlando better enjoy it, Connor doubted he would have it for very much longer.

~ Rose Wynters