Funny Quotes Quotes

Normally, she would never wish a head injury on anyone, but it might make her days in Archival Studies a bit easier.

~ Jaleigh Johnson

What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive.

~ Emilyann Girdner

I think therefore I am not sure.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

~ Ryan Lilly

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

~ Dr. Seuss

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly.

~ Donald Jans

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

~ Nenia Campbell

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.

~ Amit Kalantri

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'.

~ Amit Kalantri

I don't understand this irony - valuable things like cars, gold, diamond are made up of hard materials but most valuable things like money, contracts and books are made up of soft paper.

~ Amit Kalantri

Reading is the noblest of all the hobbies, that is why people mention it so frequently in their resume even if they don't read much.

~ Amit Kalantri

Mike stood in-line, waiting for the mealtime muck that passed for lunch at his school canteen. He knew he was getting close to the front now, as he tightly held his tray. Not just because he could see this as you might expect, but because he could smell Margery the school cook’s body odour. The children at the front were already holding their breath. You could see a line of pink faces close to him, to red, then purple closest to Margery. Only when they left at the end did they breathe for air and turn back to their normal colour again, like a deep sea diver after a long plunge. “Margery the Meal Murderer” was her name for most school kids.

~ L.p. Donnelli

Your pretense does not fool me, gnome. My eye will be upon you.

~ Cassandra Clare

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

~ Mark Jackman

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

~ Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

~ Mark Jackman

If you call yourself an authoress on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits writing the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook friends that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word author is no more gender-discrimination than the word person. Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, Hello, I'm a retard.

~ Oliver Markus

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional.

~ Wayne Gerard Trotman

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

~ Saurabh Sharma

Life isn't over until you're dead. Another ultra-positive, ultra-motivational tweet to improve your day. You're welcome.

~ Carla H. Krueger

I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I do my butt.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Humans, left to own misguided devices, scratches the Divine in the self as one would the lice, but remember to lick well all the vices.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

What doesn't kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep,you'll get there eventually!

~ Karen Gibbs

Your brain is not only the material inside your cranium, its something to be explored, developed and refined

~ Mohammad Azeem

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you.

~ Werley Nortreus

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them.

~ Raheel Farooq

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

There is no human-like god. If there were, he'd be as silly as you.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Hurry, your imaginary heaven is calling you up, my dear holier-than-thou religious nuts.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

The higher you rise in the business ladder, the smaller your balls become.

~ Santosh Kalwar

I don't beg for those things which can be earned.

~ Amit Kalantri

No kind of social system can make you more happier and secure than your own money.

~ Amit Kalantri

If you think rightly, every problem is financial problem or eventually becomes one.

~ Amit Kalantri

To the issues of friendship, love, business and war, surprise is the optimistic solution.

~ Amit Kalantri

The first time I saw a mermaid in my dream, and she looked so real...THAT.'s fishy!!

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

You should stay and keep me company, so I don't get lonely.”“You don't seem like the type of guy who gets lonely.”“Is that a compliment or an insult?”Analia only shrugged.

~ Kiersten Fay