Humorous Quotes

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

~ Chelsea Handler

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

~ Victor Borge

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

~ Nick Shamhart

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

~ Kinky Friedman

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

~ Terry Pratchett

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

~ Terry Pratchett

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

~ Carroll Bryant

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

~ Chelsea Handler

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

~ Victor Borge

And I was all, Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry. (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

~ Christopher Moore

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

~ Victor Borge

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

~ Victor Borge

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

~ Carroll Bryant

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

~ Terry Pratchett

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

~ Carroll Bryant

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

~ Carroll Bryant

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

~ Carroll Bryant

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.

~ Jodi Picoult

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

~ Chelsea Handler

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

~ Mark Twain

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

~ Nenia Campbell

I never said nothing...I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!

~ Terry Pratchett

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway.'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully.'Huh?' said Lester.

~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.Foolhardy? Kelsier asked with a laugh. that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few yearsWe'll fix that Kelsier promised.

~ Brandon Sanderson

(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.

~ Terry Pratchett

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

~ Candice Bergen

There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.

~ Matt Dunn

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?

~ Félix J. Palma

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

~ Diane Ackerman

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.

~ Elizabeth Inchbald

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked where his fridge was. She didn't tell me what his reply was, and we can only hazard a guess, but I was impressed that he had been prepared to stay the night. It is surely a brave man who goes ahead and checks into an establishment where the first question is 'Where's your fridge?'. Especially if, as he had done, you had arrived by motorcycle.

~ Tony Hawks

I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.

~ Vann Chow

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

~ Joyce Rachelle

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

~ Anissa Rafeh

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

~ Kayti Mcgee